Kitty’s Monologue


Kitty is a character in my novel, who can not talk. She finds different ways to communicate and share knowledge. There is a lot to her, but she can’t always get that across. This monologue is an internal monologue taking place inside Kitty’s mind to Noah, one of the other main characters and the person she is closest to.

I do hear you. I do understand you. I do deserve my position. I really do and I know you know I should be where I am. I just wonder if the others think I belong. Sometimes I know that I don’t, but then you look at me and I belong. Your brother seems hard and protective of his mission. He can’t see that it is my mission too.

I am locked inside my mind. I wish I could just tell you and your brother. Really I wish I could tell everyone what is happening inside. It is like the neural pathways  connecting my voice and thoughts are missing. With every trauma or change they are erased and I must relearn how to make sounds that would be considered words. To make matters worst my memories are misplaced. They are not lost, just misplaced. This makes it hard even know what I know. All my memories are intact, but they are hidden from me and it seems like just when I find a memory or way to connect my vocal cords and thoughts together they are erased or jumbled up.

I hope you understand that I am doing my best. Your smile makes me think you know, but how? I never know until I start reconnecting things. Maybe that is why you’re with me; to help me remember that I am not permanently broken just different with misplaced memories.

Hopefully one day I will get to thank you. Hopefully one day everyone will understand. I am smart and I am worthy of helping. It may be a long time, but I do hope.

I hope you like this and if you follow my blog you will learn more about the characters of  Duality, since I am pretty focused on it. At least I am trying to be really focused on it. 

Can We Just Say


Can we just say
that I’m not as shy as I am,
that your rejection wouldn’t crush me?
Can we just say
that I am not still broken,
that the past does not haunt me?
Can we just say
that I can just say everything that is needed,
that I am actually the person living in my mind?
Can we just say
we should try
and have that be that.

Please, can we just say,
or perhaps can you,
because for someone who has so much to say
I can’t just say.
all the things that I need to say;
like you showed me the depths I could study
and you opened my eyes
to a part of me that needed to breathe.
I need to say
that your smile glows your soul’s joy on your face
making me want to learn more about that soul of yours.
I need to say
that I may not be the strongest,
but I am pretty sure I am the bravest,
because fear of the past haunts me,
fear over rejection surrounds me,
and I am really just a scared little girl.
Yet, I still stand
and walk to my future.
I still smile and try to figure out what to say,
I still tell myself I can do the impossible,
I can smile and try.
Still I simply cannot say
all the things I need to say.

So, can you just say
that you do see what I cannot say?
Can we just say
that I can say
all the things that I need to say?
Can we just say,
anything at all to each other?

To Do: (A Poem)


I have this to do
now that must be done,
sitting still is not doable.
The laundry needs to be done,
my room needs to be clean,
the mess is taking over.
I must do all the things around.
Can you not see the list in my brain.

I have to do this
and that cannot wait.
The list is growing
even as I sit,
even as I think,
I see it growing
like a monster in the swamp
I have too many things to do,
too many ways I must run.
Sitting should be unheard of
and writing should be put away,
this to do list is growing and growing,
consuming my mind.
It’s taking over my life.

I need to do this
and that is so very important.
Creativity needs to be put on pause
and my goals should run and hide.
I need to do all I need to do,
because I have this and that
both need to be done.
The universe will implode
if I do not do what is on the list.

Or maybe this and that can be put on pause,
perhaps my creativity needs to come out and play.
I can put my list away
and meet my goals instead.
The laundry can wait
and the mess can stay.
I need to sit
and create.